Tuesday, October 04, 2005

The haunting continues . . . . . . .

Well, I could go on and on, on how much my friends help me forget my old crushes by keeping me updated with news about them, but there are more things which make me think about all those girls I used to like once upon a time, or I still like them, don’t know really!

Dreams, dreams allow a person to experience things one wants or wishes to happen to happen to him, or more likely will never happen or are impossible(that word must be in everyone’s dictionary, for the sake of the much needed positive pessimism in everyone’s life).

Yeah those same dreams which manage to scare the hell out of you some times, and so are called bad dreams, but I still don’t know why they are called “nightmares”. I have never had mares or for that matter horses in my night dreams or even my day dreams (yeah I have lots of them too)!

It really dawns on you that you are a loser, when you have a dream or dreams(in my case) where the girl, whom you once wished to be with, a long time ago, appears or keeps on reappearing.

Now this would have been a very blissful scenario had it been that the girl was on talking terms with you or was seen by you every day. You could have gone up to that girl and narrate her your dream, and get her all thinking, is he a weirdo (most of the time!) or, does he really like me? (Chances are good if the girl is a hopeless romantic) In that case you might be getting somewhere, or might even succeed in get her interested in you, or even succeed in wooing her completely(again, in the case of a hopeless romantic).

But the scenario is different, when a considerable amount of time has passed since you failed to woo her (in my case all my fault!), and you are still a loser when it comes to girls, with whom you had a good chance, it’s the worst thing that can happen to you!

Now you can’t blame your friends for reminding you of that girl, because it’s your own delusional brain, which is still high on love dope, which is causing you the entire trauma.

You think, what in the name of Don Juan (de Marco, the guy who got all the chicks he ever wanted!) is happening with me!

Am I so lovesick, that due to the lack of a proper or even an improper (would be fine in my case, anything goes...) love life, has caused my brain to have such wonderful mirages, which remind me of my bad luck, of all the fun I could I have had with that girl, of all the love which would have been due to me, of all the things which would have transformed me from an atheist to an ardent follower of all religions (is that possible? yeah more than my getting the love of my dreams!).

In those dreams (I think this is totally in my case!), I see that girl, alone with me, totally smitten to me, doing all those things …and we are having a rocking time. Got the picture?
Start of my pain!

Being woken up by somebody from one of those dreams, is like God (you wish his presence, but know he’s not there, anyone who gives anyone a reality check) showing me how he has not gifted me with any love life!
Reality bites? Certainly does, and bites real hard…..

You wake with a start,(That is if you remember the dream at all when you wake up, which will probably be because the dream might not have been a morning dream, that is might have come in the middle of your sleeping hours, so the memory of it, is not immediate when you wake up. The memory of the dream may return to you sometime afterwards in the day, or may fail to do so completely.) Thinking, aha, what was that, wow, and then it dawns, hey, what the fuck? What the heaven was that? Damnit, I am such a loser. The girl whom you tried to forget, and it took months of self realization, the girl whose face, you thought was erased from your memory, just reappears out of the sick brain and here I am thinking about her in the morning,

And this is so going to carry on for the rest of the day, you wish, for days, probably.

And does the pain return, you bet it does, without a return ticket! The problem is that you start thinking about her and all those stupid things; you did when you were in lala-land, when you were high on love dope. You think about things like, does she remember me? (Duh huh!), does she still like me? (You wish), does she have dreams about me? (Even LSD will fail to excite a person to think like this…), do I still have a chance…

No, no chance at all……….now you are gone for good, gone from the fields of sanity to the dungeons of preposterous ideas, O yes, I have lost it, totally. If wishes were cupids, losers would find all the love, definitely.

You wake up, from sleep, the dope’s still on, try to think sanely, fail to do so, and keep on trying… Well it has to wear out sooner or later when you remember the definition of a dream, how it is at the disposal of the mind to hallucinate oneself, to have some consolation when you sleep, to give you some fun, to cheer you up, to help you picture things you might fail to do in your entire life, to simulate the impossible, yes that’s what dreams are meant to be. They act as a placebo to the people who are mad about things they can’t acquire, or experience.

They are for the good of all the losers. It’s like virtual reality, only this one’s free, but will be seen only by the select few, the lucky lot, the lucky lot of the unlucky ones.

I haven’t heard a person of dreaming of things he already has or a person dreaming of things he has done a dozen times already.

It’s like the poor man’s liquor, gives you’re the high (you may go too high), but also gives you the worst hangovers. And dreams involving lost love or in my case love never found have the worst hangovers, heaven when asleep and hell when awake.

After some time you get used to these kinds of dreams, if you are lucky or unlucky enough to have them in the first place!

Sometimes, you even look forward to meeting that girl again, like on a virtual date, you wish! The moment you start wishing for a particular dream, thud, your mind drops the idea all of a sudden and all the dreams you are get, are the routine ones, the ones in which you get killed in the battlefield, get chased by a ghost and stuff like that(all of these are in my case.)

It’s like your brains your own enemy, and in a way it helps you to move on and not get carried away by intangible thoughts, to more practical things, like ‘life’s a bitch’ and ‘shit happens’, like all the normal people.

Dreams which feature your “love lost” are in some ways essential, as in they help you in getting some of the things done, which otherwise you could not have ever experienced, because dreams are as good as real life, the only difference is that there is no record of the things which happened in your dreams anywhere, other than your brain, which also forgets it after some hours, and that there are no repercussions of your behavior in your dreams.

This way dreams are better than real life, but the only thing is that they are experienced or viewed by a select audience and this audience may have dreams through out their life. Obviously you have to wait for a good dream to come, and have to sit through all those bad dreams. Hey come now, you can’t complain, after all how much more can a loser ask for!

P.S: The night after I wrote this chapter, I had a dream (Some coincidence!) in which I was playing a game of cricket with Aishwarya Rai. In the dream we did not speak to each other, and from where I was fielding, she looked quiet bossy, I think she was the captain of the team in which I was playing and that’s all I can remember about that weird dream.

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